Looking for myself.

Three days ago, while I was going to work, I received a call I hoped I never ever did. It was a friend of mine, asking if I knew something about what happened. What the fuck happened? I was already quivering. She never calls, only in case of emergency and that was it. “Eleonora had a car accident this morning, she died.” Everything fell apart. Eleonora was one of my friends. We met each other six years ago, in high school. She was my very first deskmate. I clearly remember that moment: a little, shy, scared me was sitting in silence in a desk in the middle of the class. Everyone at the back was talking, saying jokes and socializing. Not me. She walked into the class with large pants, a very colorful shirt, white and pink glasses and too many rings on her hands. Her taste in fashion was so questionable you have no idea. She looked at me for a couple of seconds and then she asked if she could sit next to me. I nodded my head yes. She had the weirdest acce...

I am weird, I am completely aware of it, but I’m 100% sure I’m not the only one. People don’t change, never. They adapt themselves to the situation they’re facing but their temperament can’t be changed. They’re all so confused and incoherent. For example, I’ve been in difficult situation in one of my previous relationships and people around me kept giving me advices like “if you really care, you should try to fix this, you shouldn’t give up on people cause they’re hard to understand”. Then something went wrong and their opinion changed in “relationship should be easy, if it wasn’t maybe he wasn’t the right person” or “you shouldn’t have put this much energy into someone you knew wouldn’t be able to manage it”. Basically everything you do is wrong. They start from “don’t be selfish, help people in every way you can cause there’s someone out there that will need your help, spread love and you’ll have it when you’ll need it” and of cause it ended with “probably you shouldn’t ...

Do you know what’s the problem about being me in a relationship? I always start being really cautious, I don’t really show emotions or share things that happened to me. I look like a stone cold person, I stare at the you analyzing every moves, every gesture, every word you use. I ask you questions, I take a trip into your soul to see if I can trust you. And if I see I can do it, that’s where everything starts to be fucked up. My biggest flaw is that I spend all my time overthinking, picturing every scenario possible. I ty to predict your moves and most of the time I’m right, not because I’m incredibly smart or I have this gift but because I observe. I don’t really like people honestly, I feel like they’re all the same, everyone is unbelievably boring and predictable and that’s why I like to play with them, push them over their limits and see how they react, how they behave with me. I don’t want to see just love, I always want you to show me something else: show me you hate...

I was listening to a song, it says “I’ll wait for you cause is waiting that I always find myself, find you and find a sense if this” and in your head I kept telling yourself how wrong and toxic this is but I know that’s what I’m gonna do anyway. Cause if you find someone you think it’s worth your time, well, it just feels right. You keep hoping somehow the other person feels the same way, he might understand that not every good thing is gonna hurt you sooner or later but even if it will, it was worth trying anyway cause YOU were worth it. It never happens, fear is always bigger that love or just caring. If someone has to face a fear, it won’t be because of someone else and it’s not fair asking for it. It will happen when he’s ready, otherwise it will just get bigger and bigger and out of everyone’s control. At the same time, you’re positive that he’s gonna face the fear, it will happen for sure and for sure it won’t be with you. People keep meeting people, they fall in lov...