Degrees of separation.

I was listening to a song, it says “I’ll wait for you cause is waiting that I always find myself, find you and find a sense if this” and in your head I kept telling yourself how wrong and toxic this is but I know that’s what I’m gonna do anyway.
Cause if you find someone you think it’s worth your time, well, it just feels right.
You keep hoping somehow the other person feels the same way, he might understand that not every good thing is gonna hurt you sooner or later but even if it will, it was worth trying anyway cause YOU were worth it.

It never happens, fear is always bigger that love or just caring.
If someone has to face a fear, it won’t be because of someone else and it’s not fair asking for it. It will happen when he’s ready, otherwise it will just get bigger and bigger and out of everyone’s control.
At the same time, you’re positive that he’s gonna face the fear, it will happen for sure and for sure it won’t be with you. People keep meeting people, they fall in love and they try to change. YOU are the only one stuck there with your hearth in your hands made of crack and filled with glue.

And I know I have to move on cause, let’s be honest, even if you wait days, months, years, nothing will be as it was. So I found myself on one of that meeting app, liking strangers’ pics and replying to texts and suddenly woke up.
What am I doing? Is this the way you’re fixing it?
No one is like you.
And that’s the problem when you’re sure you found the right person, he move your standards higher and just feels like no one is reaching them now.
It’s just crazy how can someone mess you up and I truly believe that most of the time falling in love is something you wish it would have never happened.

So what now?

I spend the day hoping that the next one will be the kind of day where you don’t feel anything at all. There’s no happiness but there’s no pain as well. 

How did I get to this point?

And suddenly I feel like I lose myself.
When did this happen?
Where am I?
It’s at this point when you should start seeing the good thing about yourself: “you’re such a strong, independent, kind, brave and beautiful woman. You don’t need someone, you are good enough for yourself. You are safe, you are in control”.

You keep repeating it into your mind but you don’t believe it.

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