Facts about helping.

I am weird, I am completely aware of it, but I’m 100% sure I’m not the only one.

People don’t change, never. They adapt themselves to the situation they’re facing but their temperament can’t be changed. They’re all so confused and incoherent.

For example, I’ve been in difficult situation in one of my previous relationships and people around me kept giving me advices like “if you really care, you should try to fix this, you shouldn’t give up on people cause they’re hard to understand”. Then something went wrong and their opinion changed in “relationship should be easy, if it wasn’t maybe he wasn’t the right person” or “you shouldn’t have put this much energy into someone you knew wouldn’t be able to manage it”.

Basically everything you do is wrong.

They start from “don’t be selfish, help people in every way you can cause there’s someone out there that will need your help, spread love and you’ll have it when you’ll need it” and of cause it ended with “probably you shouldn’t have helped him cause he didn’t want any help, there are things that you can’t fix, stop feeling like God”.

I was so confused.

Then I figure out my personal truth.

There are people that truly need help, in so many different ways. Some need money, some need someone to talk to that will listen an give them advice, some just need someone that wants to spend time with, even just sitting in silence. Probably they will never ask for it, not openly at least but for sure there’s a way to find it out, you just need to listen to their words or see their moves.

Then there are people that need to face something by themselves and it will happen when they want to and how they want to do it. This includes hurting other people, possibly you, to balance what they received and what they gave. They will never ask for help cause they just don’t need it and you’ll see it too.

They don’t show any kind of emotions, they act like they’re not afraid cause they want to hurt themselves or someone else unconsciously.

Spoiler alert: they will. There’s no way to stop it.

I’ve been both. There was a time where I felt like no one could understand anything I was going through and no one could help. I helped myself, it took so long, so much energy and of course, as I said, I hurt someone else.

And there was a time where I needed help. I needed someone to stick around and make sure I wasn’t about to kill or hurt myself, to listen to the mess in my head and say “it’s alright, that’s normal and you’ll face it, you’ll be fine again”. I am conscious that I was so lucky to have this kind of person standing by me.

I’ve been even the third kind of person, the one that someone else try to hurt.

I knew it since the first time I met him. I knew there was something wrong with him, I knew he would have done something and I just stood there waiting for it.

It was my fault.

I pictured my destroyed self in him and I remembered that time when someone helped me and I truly wanted to do the same. I stood there, falling in love with this person for the first time ever in my life knowing that it was wrong and so fucked up.

At this point I keep asking myself:

Why?

Did I feel like I needed to feel something?

Might be. Maybe I was going through one of that time when you’re feeling empty, indifferent and emotionless and I needed to feel something, whatever it was, love or pain.

Good news, I had both and when everything ended, I felt like I was finally ready to take this journey into myself.