Chess game.

Do you know what’s the problem about being me in a relationship?

I always start being really cautious, I don’t really show emotions or share things that happened to me.
I look like a stone cold person, I stare at the you analyzing every moves, every gesture, every word you use.
I ask you questions, I take a trip into your soul to see if I can trust you. And if I see I can do it, that’s where everything starts to be fucked up.
My biggest flaw is that I spend all my time overthinking, picturing every scenario possible. I ty to predict your moves and most of the time I’m right, not because I’m incredibly smart or I have this gift but because I observe.
I don’t really like people honestly, I feel like they’re all the same, everyone is unbelievably boring and predictable and that’s why I like to play with them, push them over their limits and see how they react, how they behave with me. I don’t want to see just love, I always want you to show me something else: show me you hate me too, show me you disrespect me, show me you’re mad at me or whatever you want but don’t give me anything I could have from someone else.

It’s like playing chess with life.

But then there’s always someone that is as fucked up as you are and he does something crazy that make you stop the game and see how it goes if you just let it go.
I still pushed him over the limit and this time, this person didn’t react at all.

It was heartbreaking.

Luckily was already prepared for that but there’s always the perfect scenario I pictured in my head thousands times and I put all of my hopes and energies to make it happen, I’m not just mental, I do care about people.
This is the wrong thing about me: putting all of my energies into one single thing that I already know it won’t happen, this is when I fall apart.

And suddenly you go back to reality, all the things you pictured in your head crash down like a painting hanged in the wrong way on the wall and you feel lost.

I spend all of my time feeling lost and trying to find myself. 

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